If you're anything like me, you are at the point where you are thinking about the New Years resolutions you made a little over a week ago and thinking, 'Eh... maybe next year'. Let's face it, resolutions are made for quitting/giving up on/not making happen/etc. Alternately, I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I am interested in the more personal aspects of hip hop, MC's and beat makers, their lives, what inspires them, etc. On that note, I have decided to put together a 'would be' list of New Years resolutions for some of the biggest rappers out right now: Ye, Drake, Weezy, and Gucci. . . because, well... rappers are notoriously late motherfuckers. It really makes sense that their list of New Years resolutions would come out after all of ours... Let's see how this shit goes.
Aubrey 'Drake' Graham: In potentially the smartest move of the century, Drakes has decided on a New Years resolution that might actually lead to his acceptance by people who actually matter, Hip Hop heads. He has decided to stop singing his own hooks, and instead, just focus on... rapping. That's right. You have heard the last Drake hook. Sometimes in life you have to come to the realization that... you can't do everything. Two things most people REALLY shouldn't do is rap AND sing their own hooks... unless you're Lauryn Hill (PLEASE COME BACK L BOOGIE). I've heard rumors that Drizzy is also considering dropping YM as his label, and signing with... anyone else. . . that, you know, people can take seriously. Let us pray.
Kanye 'Look at me, look at me!' West: This year Kanye has vowed to give up fuckery. . . I know what you're thinking... 'Yeah... right.' After that all too embarassing moment at the VMAs this past year... that led to him being called a Jackass by THE PRESIDENT, Ye has realized that his skill (past tense) is no longer enough to give him a free pass on his inappropriate behavior. 'Henny make girls look like halle berry to me' obviously wasn't just a random statement, as made clear by his taste in women as of late. That being said, since moments of sobriety in the past year were few and far between, Ye has also hinted at a stint in rehab, and perhaps giving up liquor all together. One of the ways Ye plans to give up this fuckery is by not appearing on anyone elses bullshit tracks this year, and instead, focusing on putting out some of his own, auto tune free, amazing music. Hopefully it's part of Ye's resolution to return to the Kanye of yesterday... of criminally witty verses over creative beats. Needless to say, this is one resolution I can fully get behind. A return to the Kanye we all fell in love with would make 2010 the best year ever... SALUTE!
Gucci Mane: Big Cat LaFlare realized that there were about 5700 different ways he could have gone with this whole New Years resolution thing, but he finally settled on one. He thought it best that, this year, he choose a resolution that not only benefited him, but benefitted others as well. This year, Gucci's resolution is just to stop rapping. Now, before you take too big a sigh of relief, know that, he has instead decided to start singing R&B joints, and is on a quest become the dark skinned version of Trey Songz. His first single as an R&B singer is entitled "The Burrth of Romance"... actually the very first joint will be yet another remake of "I Invented Sex" but... whatever. Point being, Gucci has decided to do us all a fuckin' solid, and quit! "Break out the champagne glasses and mothafuckin' condoms, and have one on us..." -2pac ...a REAL rapper.
Lil' Goblin Wayne Carter III: I bet you thought Weezy thought he was above having a New Years resolution didn't you? I bet you are sitting there thinking, 'Weezy, thinking he can improve himself..? Impossible'... But that would make you as incorrect as a perm on a grown as man. . . Weezy decided that this year, he would make a resolution. What is that resolution you ask? Well I'll tell you... Weezy has... resolved too... sign twice as many people to Young Money as last year. Now, this might not sound like much of a resolution (what, you thought Tha Wayne would make a resolution that actually involved changing something about himself? Ha), but, this little move actually does all of us a favor. It's like tagging. Think about it... if you are anything like me, a lot of new music comes your way... ALSO, if you are like me, you think pretty much all new music is sus because it's probably garbage. . . Signing more people to Young Money is like tagging them as not worth listening to. This cuts down my time wasting with each new member, because I know none of my time will be murdered by spending time exploring their music... I'll already know they're garbage... they're on Young Money for Christs sake. I just want to personally thank Weezy for his kindness and consideration when creating this years New Years reso. That's a good look homie! Now go get another face tattoo or something.
Now... even though I picked on these four particluar rappers, please believe every single one of them has a song that I like... even that bastard Gucci Mane. To be honest, if Wayne weren't so lazy, knowing full well that he can put out crap, and the public will accept it and support his music, he could/would be a beast. If on the random occasion that he decides to come to work and really spit, the boy goes hard. He just... for some lame reason... chooses not to. Money will do that. As for Drake, as I said before... if he would just stop singing his own hooks! There are a few Drake songs that I don't despise, in fact. . . I rather enjoy them, but the chorus singing is... just don't. Gucci... um. . . okay, next. And Ye... College Dropout is one of my top favorite albums of all time... ALL TIME. He was brilliant... is brilliant. . . but, he has been doing crazy shit (and I don't just mean musically) for a minute now... I honestly just hope he comes back around.
In addition to the individual rappers resolutions that you just read... there was a collective resolution for 10' that those people that are part of the brethren of Hip Hop came together to create. It is as follows:
We, the conglomeration of Hip Hop, including but not limited to: rappers, MC's, beat makers, hype men, crew/click members, etc... will stop being full of shit. We will stop putting out crap just to sell records. We will stop putting out crap period. We will no longer stand by as ass hats like Waka Flocka Flame get radio and video play while arists like Blu do not. We promise to RIDE on lame niggas who don't deserve to eat dinner, much less drop an LP. We promise to honor the legacy of those who came before us, and rocked the mic or blessed the beats, such as: James Dewitt Yancey (J Dilla), Tupac Amaru Shakur (2pac), Eric Lynn Wright (Eazy-E), Christopher George Latore Wallace (Biggie), Lamont Colemen (Big L), DeShaun Dupree Holton (Proof),Russell Tyrone Jones (ODB), Titus Glover (Baatin), and everyone else that has influenced hip hop so intensely, even after death. We promise to do this shit the way it is supposed to be done. We promise to bring the game back. Period.
Of course, this is all parody, and none of these resolutions were actually made (that I know of). . . but wouldn't it be nice if the were?
And on that note, I hope you have enjoyed these rapper resolutions for 10'. Stay tuned, maybe if I haven't been beaten up by a shitty rapper for speaking the truth, there will be another round of these next year. Or not... whatever.
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